Humour

These are genuine German jokes ... so I'm told.
Maybe something gets lost in translation.

Cool jokes from Germany......

Knock, knock.... Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident.
Your husband is in hospital.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.' The other man
replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit'.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some
grass and then wanders off.

Wayne Rooney

Drink Planner

Bar jokes

A tourist goes into a bar where a dog is sitting in a chair playing poker. He asks, "Is that dog there really playing poker?" And the bartender says, "Yeah, but he's not too smart. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail."

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer. ''I can't do that, officer.'' ''Why not?'' ''Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.'' ''Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.'' ''Can't do that either, officer.'' ''Why not?'' ''Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.'' ''Alright, we could get a blood sample.'' ''Can't do that either, officer.'' ''Why not?'' ''Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.'' ''Fine then, just walk this white line.'' ''Can't do that either, officer.'' ''Why not?'' ''Because I'm drunk.''

A man walked into a bar. Next to the bar there was a horse, and a huge jar filled with cash. The man asked the bartender "What's with the horse and the jar?" "Well," the bartender said, "put a dollar in the jar and you get one chance to make the horse laugh. If you can do it, you get the whole jar." So, the man put a dollar in the jar, and whispered something in the horse's ear. The horse started cracking up. The man took the jar and left the stunned bartender and the horse, still howling with laughter, behind. A week later, the same man walked into the same bar. Again, there was an even bigger jar full of cash, and the horse was still laughing. "What's the money for this time?" he asked the bartender. "Ever since you were in here last time, I can't get the horse to stop laughing!" he replied. "You don't even have to put a dollar in the jar! I've been putting my own money in all week. It's driving me and my customers insane! DO SOMETHING!" So the man leads the horse around the back of the bar and is gone for less than a minute. When he comes back, the horse is absolutely bawling. "What did you do!" asked the bartender. "Well," said the man, "the first time, I told him my dick was bigger than his, and the second time, I showed him."

These two mates are drinking at the pub when one mate says to the other I'm going to war tomorrow, ah right says the other bloke , well i shall have a beer for you while your gone. The next week he rocks into the pub his mate at war and orders 2 drinks telling the bartender about his mate, He sits down and drinks each beer. The next week same again 2 beers sits down drinks them, this goes on for quite a few weeks. Then one day he comes in and orders just one beer, so what happened to your mate says the bartender, oh he's ok the bloke replied i just quit drinking

A set of jump leads walk into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

A woman walks into a pub and asks the barman for a double entendre. So he gives her one.

A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. "What can I get you?" asked the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club" replied the seal.

Two drunks are in a pub sitting at the bar, staring into their drinks.
One gets a curious look on his face and asks, "Hey, Pete, have you Ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?"
"Yep. I been married to one for fifteen years."

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the barman, "How much for a beer?" "For you, no charge," the barman replies.

A sandwich goes into a pub, walks up to the barman, and says, "Pint of lager please." "Sorry mate," says the barman, "we don't serve food in here."

Piece of string walks into the bar. "Are you a piece of string?" asks the barman.
"Yes," replies the piece of string.
"Sorry mate, you'll have to leave, we don't serve your kind here."
The piece of string leaves, disappointed. The next day he ties a knot in his middle, ruffles up one end of himself, and goes back in.
"Oi! I told you yesterday to get out, you're that piece of string aren't you?"
"No, I'm afraid not."

Two drunks are walking along the road in London. One turns to the other and slurs, "Is this Wembley?" "No, it's Thursday." "So am I! Let's go for a drink."

A bear goes into a pub and says, "Can I have a pint of................ ...................................................................... ............... Guinness, please?" The barman says, "Sure, but why the big pause?"

A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" "No." A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg. "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly. "That's not my dog."

Terror Alert

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Australia will come end rescue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.

Irish

A guy walks into a bar in Cork, in Ireland, and asks the barman: "What's the quickest way to get to Dublin?" "Are you walking or driving?" asks the barman. "Driving," says a man. "That's the quickest way," says the barman.

An Irishman was on his way to meet his friend in the pub. As he walked through the pub car park he spotted someone stealing his friends car and driving off!
He ran into the pub and shouted to his friend '' paddy someone has just stolen your car!'' paddy replied ''good god did you get a good luck at who did it?''
''No it was dark but I got his number plate!''

This bloke is in our pub in Temple Bar, really drunk. Some lads decide to be good Samaritans and get him home. So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and, he falls down four more times. They ring the bell, and the bloke's wife looks livid. One of them says: "Here's your husband, Missus! Safe and sound." And the wife says: "Yeah right. Now where the hell is his wheelchair?"

The Dublin Maternity Hospital. A heavily pregnant skanger girl phones the maternity hospital, obviously in some state of agitation:
"Nurse, nurse, I think me waters have broken."
Nurse: "OK, love stay calm love. Where are ye ringing from?"
Girl: "Oh, from me gee to me knees."

A Texan walks into a pub in Temple Bar, Dublin and clears his throat to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Dubliners are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Dub. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Dub tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Dub the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Dub replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

O'Toole volunteered to take care of his numerous children so that Mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to read. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O'Toole kept sending him back up.
At 10 o'clock the doorbell rang. It was the next door neighbor, Mrs. O'Brien. She asked if her son was there and O'Toole said no. Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted. "I'm here Mom, but he won't let me go home."

"And how much of that stack of hay did you steal, Kavanaugh?" the priest asked at confession.
"I might as well confess to the whole stack, your Reverence," said Kavanaugh. "I'm goin' after the rest of it tonight!"

Casey and Riley agreed to settle their dispute by a fight, and it was understood that whoever wanted to quit should say "Enough." Casey got Riley down and was hammering him unmercifully when Riley called out several times, "Enough!" As Casey paid no attention, but kept on administering punishment, a bystander said, "Why don't you let him up? Don't you hear him say that he's had enough?" "I do," says Casey, "but he's such a liar, you can't believe him.

A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."

Monahan stumbled into a saloon, half crocked. "Say," he said to the bartender, "how tall is a penguin?"
"About two and a half feet."
"Thank God!" cried Monahan. "I thought I ran over a nun!"

A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in a pub, when an irate Irishman stands up : "You're making' out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughtta punch you in the nose."
"I'm sorry sir, I..."
"Not you," says the Irishman, "I'm talking to that little fella on your knee."

Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Seamus?" Paddy asked. "Well didn't ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus. "Ah, praise the Almighty!" Paddy replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?" "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. "
"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a Guinness in a pub. Upon being served, each finds a fly in their beer. Repulsed, the Englishman sends his back. The Scotsman gently flicks the fly out of his mug and begins drinking. The Irishman, carefully lifts the fly up by its wings and screams, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"

Pat and Jimmy-Joe met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?"
Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't."
His friend asked, "Shure, and what d'ye mean by that?"
Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another...it was neither of us."

It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ..."Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!" "Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you." So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground. "T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers. "Well," said one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!"

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are you callin' from?"

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!"
"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"
"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...
Darn! There goes another one!"

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Lonely Hearts in Scotland

Who said Scots Romance is dead! These are REAL ADS (hmm? maybe) from the lonely-hearts columns.

Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone, Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel. Box 09/08

Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered. Box06/03

Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting scraps on Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning. Box 73/82

Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by longtime fianc�e seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box /41

Ginger-haired Paisley troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more Box 84/87

Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential Box 12/32

Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No timewasters. Box 3/45

Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big chest. Box 40/27

Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon. Box 52/07

Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition at Frampton's Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978. Seeks nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort-drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please! Box 30/41

Old man

An old man, a battered prop with round shoulders, stooped, knuckles dragging on the ground, a devoted servant of game and club, a man determined to move with the times and not be a stick-in-the-mud, wrote to his club and shocked them all by resigning from active participation.

His letter contained the following:
* When we changed from 3-2-3 to 3-4-1, I adapted.
* When you stopped having to play the ball with the foot after a tackle, I adapted.
* When you were allowed to fumble and it was not a knock-on, I adapted.
* I also adapted from time to time with the tinkering with points for drops and tries.
* When hookers started throwing in at line-outs, I adapted.
* When loose scrums became rucks, I learnt the new vocabulary.
* When the swing pass went out of fashion, I adapted.
* When the coach was a man and not just a means of transport, I coped.
* When props got penalised for working their man over and dribbling ceased, I knew that the game had lost a lot of its appeal.
* I even adapted when advertising boards were put around grounds. Later I sighed and pondered but yielded when they stuck advertisements on the jersey I loved so much.
* When brown leather balls with laces gave way to feelingless plastic of leprous white, I still picked them up and put them in the bag.
* When hookers stopped hooking, when the ball could be put in at any sort of angle and foot-up joined the horse-drawn trams in the past, I gritted my teeth and stayed in the game.
* When the torpedo kick disappeared for a funny Australian way of kicking, I adapted.
* When they let women into the bar, I found an agreeable corner to reminisce with my friends.
* When women started playing, I adapted by pretending they did not exist in the hope that they would go away.
* When they brought on dancing girls and fireworks and played canned music, I did not watch but concentrated, and hoped the players did the same.
* When players hugged each other like soccer players after scoring tries and embraced, instead of three cheers at the end of matches, I turned away in sorrow but kept my peace.
* When they let league players back to play our game, I ignored them and never learnt their names. When they gave me money for doing my jobs at the club, I said thank you and put the money in the poor box.
* When players stopped paying subs, I doubled mine.
* When they called players by numbers as if they were cattle and not men, I stayed with names and kept going.
* When they came with all sorts of big words like phases, rush defence, fetchers, back three and tight five, I tried to learn but in my days after matches we had a tight fifteen, not just a tight five - and we sang all sorts of songs to prove it.
* When they allowed lifting in the line-outs, I shut my eyes and prayed but shut up about it.
* When the man next to me booed the visiting kicker to put him off, I did not hit him.
* When instead of beating a man, you bashed into him, I grimaced but carried on watching.
* When referees started coaching and giving instructions, I shut up in bewildered sorrow.
* When touch judges started sticking out their flags and telling the referee what to do, I was grateful for my bareknuckle days but accepted the change.
* When beer and steak were replaced by energy drinks and pasta, I was uncomprehending but adapted.
* But when I collected the valuables in the changing room before the match and most of the valuables were ear-rings, I decided it was time to write you this letter.

Thanks MvB

Tourism Australia

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe ..
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal .

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay night clubs.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

Kiwi - Condoms

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.
'Hillen, it's the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week.'
PM: 'Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!'
Hilth Munister: 'We're going to hef to shup some in from...Brutain?...'
PM: 'No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!'
Hilth Munister: 'What about Australia?'
PM: 'I'll call John Howard - tell hum we need one million condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they'll continue to respect the All Blicks!!'
Three days later a delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10 unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold, with small writing on each one.........MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUM

Hooker

Celebrations The happy couple were celebrating their tenth wedding anniversary.
"Darling"' said the bride, "I have a confession to make." "Before we married, I was a hooker!"
"Oh my God", replied the startled groom.
He considered the statement and went on; "You have been the perfect wife and I love you dearly.....I forgive you! And, maybe you could add a few little secrets of the trade into our marital activities?"
"No dearest," replied the bride, "You misunderstand me. I was a hooker, my name was Kevin, I played for Gordon!"

Mills & Boon whisper sweet nothings in cauliflower ears

Mills & Boon has linked up with the Rugby Football Union to create a series of rugby themed romance novels featuring 'jet set locations, hunky alpha male heroes and hot sex ... in a rugby context'.

"Oh my God." Her hand covered her mouth. She glanced at him in desperate panic. "They filmed me kissing you. And it's up on the giant screens." Her voice rose, her cheeks were scarlet, and her reluctant glance towards the stadium ended in a moan of disbelief. "Oh God, I can't believe this ... and my hair is all over the place and my bottom looks huge, and - everyone is looking."

His eyes on the pitch, Prince Casper watched with cool detachment as his friend, the England captain, hit a post with a drop-goal attempt. "More importantly, you just cost England three points."

Rugby and romance are perhaps not the most obvious of combinations, but one that the world's biggest romance publisher, Mills & Boon, and the Rugby Football Union believe will bear fruit. The pair have teamed up to publish a series of books featuring tall, dark and handsome rugby heroes - minus cauliflower ears - and their glamorous love interests.

"Our mission statement is to do for rugby what Jilly Cooper did for polo - to give it an air of sexiness and glitz and glamour," said series editor Jenny Hutton. "You don't have to like rugby to like the books," added Clare Somerville, Mills & Boon's sales and marketing director. "They've got all the elements of a quintessential Mills & Boon romance: jet-set locations, hunky alpha male heroes and hot sex, but in a rugby context."

Information on the rules of rugby for the non "rugby savvy", along with tips on what to wear at matches, will also be included, she said.

The RFU International Billionaires series launches with The Prince's Waitress Wife - in which one sex scene takes place in the president's suite at Twickenham - on 1 February, just before the start of the RBS Six Nations Championships.

In a later title, The Ruthless Billionaire's Virgin, the heroine stands in to sing the national anthem, only to suffer a "wardrobe malfunction" from which she is saved by the chivalrous hero.

But readers should not expect guest appearances from real-life players such as Lawrence Dallaglio. "We made a decision early doors that that wasn't going to happen," said Jane Barron, licensing and marketing manager at the RFU. "There are no real people - it's all imaginary."

End of the World in NZ

One New Zealander bloke says to another: What would you do if the world was to end in three minutes?

P.G. Wodehouse

Rugby football is game I can't claim absolutely to understand in all its niceties, if you know what I mean. I can follow the broad, general principles, of course. I mean to say, I know that the main scheme is to work the ball down the field somehow and deposit it over the line at the other end and that, in order to squalch this progamme, each side is allowed to put in a certain amount of assault and battery and do things to its fellow man which, if done elsewhere, would result in 14 days without the option, coupled with some strong remarks from the Bench.

Soccer & the Italians

The Italians don't cheat & Soccer isn't a ridiculous game. Download ... 2.5 mpeg file from 2004

Who Should America Invade Next?

The Army

I am well. Hope you are. Tell big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than working on the farm - tell them to get into the Army quick before the jobs are all gone.

I was a bit slow in settling down at first, because you don't get outta bed until 6am. I like sleeping in now, but all you do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack---nothing.

Men must shave, but its not so bad, coz there's hot water and a light to see what ya doing.

Breakfast has cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock.

This will kill Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shooting - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's head and it doesn't move and its not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our bull got their cow pregnant before the Ekka. All yas gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - piece of piss. You don't even load your own cartridges - they come in boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload.

Then ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve all at once like we do.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this guy from 5RAR - he's 6 foot 8 and 13 stone and I'm 5 foot six and seven stone, but I fought to the end.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.

Pre-match displays

Following complaints made to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed to motivate themselves by performing the 'Haka' before their games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own. The IRB Rugby World Cup 2003 Organising Committee has now agreed to the following pre-match displays:

1. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles before moaning about how they invented the game and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone still thinks New Zealand are the best team in the world.
2. The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing an Iron Bru bottle over their opponents' heads.
3. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.
4. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forcibly removed by the match stewards.
5. Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other 13 whom they will imprison between the posts whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.
6. The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament, won it single handedly and Hollywood will make a film called 'Saving No.8 Lyle'.
7. Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold the rest of the team to ransom.
8. The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass the female stewards and then run away.
9. The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow it and then claim that it was all in line with European "grass quotas". They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time, when their appeal for compensation against the UK government will be heard.
10. The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good salaries to the key opposition players and then run around the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground
11. The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the halfway line, let sheep loose in the opposition half and burn the officials.
12. The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative pantomime deals in the UK. They will then invite all their mates to come and live with them in Shepherds Bush.
13. Unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh suggestion following complaints from the RSPCA.

Calcutta Cup 2006

England supporters awaiting the arrival of the 'Grand slam express' are advised that due to a points failure and subsequent derailment at Murrayfield, the 18.12 from Edinburgh has been cancelled.

Further bad news as the A1 south has been blocked by a large number of wheel less chariots. Police advise that any owner of a vehicle unable to swing low, should call Scottish emergency services on 0900-GETITUPYEEZ, and await the arrival of someone coming for to carry them home. Kind locals are believed to be keeping distressed England supporters supplied with large amounts of humble pie, although sour grapes are available if necessary.

Quotes of the Year 2005

Quotes of the year; Brendan Gallagher
(Filed: 29/12/2005 Uk Daily Telegraph)

"If there is a big flare-up, I casually wander over to the touchline and have a gossip with the spectators and perhaps cadge a cup of coffee from somebody's Thermos. There is nothing more ridiculous in this world than two grown adults slugging it out in public when the audience have lost interest and want to get on with the game."
Referee Glyn James, 74, reveals the secret of his success after sending off just two players in more than 3,000 games.

"Old age can be great if, like some, you are surrounded by family and friends. But it can be pretty lonely and testing if, like others, you are on your own and in poor health. We have also developed into an unofficial support group. We keep an eye out for each other and to make sure nobody is floundering."
Harvey Richards explains why the Cornish Sages - old Cornwall 'internationals' meet once a month for a pint and a pastie.

"The trouble with these Lions is that they don't sleep together!"
Dr JPR Williams' diagnosis as the Lions slip to another Test defeat. He was actually lamenting the fact that they don't share rooms.

"Ah Mr Johnson, we have been looking forward to your arrival for some time. A thousand welcomes to our poxy little island in the Pacific. I do hope your stay with us isn't too awful."
Auckland immigration official welcomes Lions observer Scott Johnson who described New Zealand as a poxy little island in the Pacific last November.

"I have a warm feeling about what we are doing here. I would urge people back home to get down here because something special is going to happen,"
Sir Clive Woodward after the Lions 30-19 win over Otago.

"Umaga should have gone round the Lions hotel with a crate of beer. It would have been frosty to start off with but it would have soon thawed,"
All Blacks legend Colin Meads ... in relation to the O'Driscoll incident.

French players

7. - A hit isn�t deemed late if the victim has touched the ball in the same half as he incurs the hit.

9. - Poor losers, the back-slappers are to be found performing post mortems in the corridors while putting the knives in.

10. - No winger plays left or right, rather they are grandstand side specialists.

11. - Views on training - Puig Aubert, Pipette, the French genius, smoked like a chimney, didn�t train and made Clive Churchill look ordinary. So why the hell am I gunna do laps?

13. - Any person financially involved with a club is entitled to call into the change room at any given time to explain what should be happening on the paddock.

16. - Don�t chase a kick until you see the fullback catch it (if he knocks it on your efforts have been for nothing).

17. - The closer the time in which a referee can signal a try to the time the ball is grounded the higher he is regarded. Perfection is simultaneity.

18. - Referees are paid bonuses for the number of never-seen-before signals they can produce over the 80 minutes.

19. - If you start a fight or kick a few goals you are guaranteed man of the match and are a very strong chance of making the paper.

20. - Teams and coaches that feel they are not getting a fair go can refuse to play on and vacate the playing arena.

New anti-terrorism laws: Aussie Citizenship Test
A new test from the government to distinguish the real from the fake.

The English
Tributes left for a dead chicken

Flowers and tributes were left in an alleyway where the body of a mystery dead baby was found - before police realised it was only a chicken foetus.

A member of the public discovered the remains in a back alley in the Anfield area of Liverpool. Police cordoned off the scene but soon realised that it was not a human but a chicken foetus. Well-wishers had laid more than a dozen bunches of flowers at the scene, along with cards and teddy bears.

One of the cards read: "RIP Little Baby. Safe in the arms of Jesus. From someone who is a loving mother xxxx."
Merseyside Police told the community on Monday to "stop grieving, it's only a chicken".
A spokeswoman for Merseyside Police said: "It seems a member of the public saw the remains of a foetus, which possibly resembled a human foetus, and called us.

"We cordoned off the area to investigate, as we would with any possible suspicious death, but it became apparent it was not a human foetus. "The flowers and cards are obviously the result of local gossip, but we can assure people that the remains were not human."

Conservative MP and editor of The Spectator Boris Johnson was criticised last year after commenting in the magazine that Liverpudlians were "hooked on grief".

Coopers
September 2005

Cricket - Sledging

1. Rod Marsh & Ian Botham: When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words: "So how's your wife & my kids?"

2. Robin Smith & Merv Hughes: During a 1989 Lords Test Hughes said to Smith after he played & missed: "You can't f*cking bat". Smith replied to Hughes after he smacked him to the boundary: "Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can't f*cking bat & you can't f*cking bowl."

3. Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad: During the 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called Merv a fat bus conductor. A few balls later Merv dismissed Javed. "Tickets please", Merv called out as he ran past the departing batsman.

4. Merv Hughes & Viv Richards: During a test match in the West Indies, Hughes didn't say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries. Eventually Viv said, "This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me. In my culture we just bowl." Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman: "In my culture we just say f*ck off."

5. Ian Healy & Arjuna Ranatunga: Healy's legendary comment which was picked up by the Channel Nine microphones when Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one dayer in Sydney... "You don't get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat c*nt!!!"

6. Shane Warne & Daryll Cullinan: As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had been waiting two years for another chance to humiliate him. "Looks like you spent it eating," Cullinan retorted.

7. Glenn McGrath & Eddo Brandes: After Brandes played & missed at a McGrath delivery, the Aussie bowler politely enquired: "Oi, Brandes, why are you so fat?" Brandes retorted, "Cos every time I f*ck your wife she gives me a biscuit".

8. Ricky Ponting & Shaun Pollock: After going past the outside edge with a couple of deliveries, Pollock told Ponting: "It's red, round & weighs about 5 ounces." Unfortunately for Pollock the next ball was hammered out of the ground. Ponting yelled to Pollock: "you know what it looks like, now go find it."

Flintoff the fair dinkum Aussie hero
By Peter FitzSimons
(Filed: 30/08/2005)
Courtesy the UK Daily Telegraph

..... Note, please, this is addressed to English readers in England .....

True story. You may recall how I told you that at the conclusion of the 2003 Rugby World Cup, right after your Jonny slotted that wretched dropped-goal and England had won, an Australian bloke watching in a pub down in Goulburn, south of Sydney, good-heartedly slapped his English friend on the back and said: "Good on yer, mate, now you know what it's like to feel like an Australian."

Sadly, fair dinkum I am starting to know what it feels like to be an Englishman. And it's not very bloody good is it?
There is that curious sense of -Flintoff's got another one - vulnerability. Not to mention that slight clamminess on the palms of your hands as you watch the best and brightest of your nation get ritually and spectacularly slaughtered.

Far and away the worst of all, though, is the recognition that our best hope must be that the better team does not win on the day.
This is just not us, I am afraid. And having the Rugby World Cup, the Ashes and a victorious Olympic bid all at one time is just not you.

Still, unaccustomed as we are, as this Ashes series has progressed we have watched agog and in record numbers, as an English team that we just knew was going to be like all the others - much vaunted, quickly haunted - turned out to be terrific.
The relief that for the first time in a generation we have a contest, has been tempered at least a little by the realisation that we are on the losing side of it.

The shock is shown in headlines across Australia, in the wake of England's win at Trent Bridge: England take 2-1 Ashes series lead� We can lift, Punter claims� Time for selection changes.

Yes, there has been some sneaking admiration, on the quiet, for some of the pluck shown by the English team but that, too, must be qualified - at least for this little Vegemite - by the underhanded approach England have taken to us Australians in this series. And I think you know what I am talking about. I'm talking about the way they have eschewed tradition, reversed the practice of many generations and basically torn up a convention that has lasted for the better part of a century.

I am talking about the fact that you have put out on the field what looks - I don't really like to use this word in their regard, but don't think I have any other choice - a likeable bunch. We want "detestable", dammit. We need detestable. And it bloody well says so, right there in black and white, on our Australian birthright, that England are honour-bound to provide us with detestable, just as they always have.

Where is the Douglas Jardine in the modern lot? Who is the Geoffrey Boycott of this early part of the 21st century for us, as a nation, to get steamed up over? It certainly isn't Michael Vaughan. How can you hate a bloke who, despite scoring hardly any runs in the first two Tests, didn't do an impersonation of an air-raid siren but bided his time and then, just when his team needed him most in the third Test, reeled off 166 stylish runs to guide England to within an ace of victory?

To compound our confusion he graciously congratulated the Australians on having put on such a magnificent fightback and sounded like he meant it. And then he bloody well guided them to another victory in the fourth Test.
Don't get me wrong, I have tried hard not to like Vaughan, just on principle, but he has made it so hard.

Andrew Flintoff? I can put it no higher than saying that on a good day you'd reckon the English all-rounder was born and raised on Bondi Beach. He is not, of course, Australian, but he could be. Now, did we ever say that about Boycott? Mike Brearley? Tony Greig? (Only after he'd lived among us Australians for 25 years, but certainly not while he was England captain). And what a revelation Kevin Pietersen has been.

The final insult on this matter? That was when the most maligned player in your line-up, Ashley Giles, didn't collapse in the last overs at Trent Bridge, but held it together, and hit the winning run. It is all so damn confusing.

Well, we're not done yet, not by a long shot. Though the situation is dire, the truly wonderful thing is that it is the perfect time for a victory of truly epic proportions. Sure, we Australians would have preferred a 5-0 flogging of England, but the only thing that could really out-do that would be to have a titanic struggle and make it appear that England had the upper hand, make the English public think that a great and historic victory was now at hand, only to snatch it away at the last instant.

Admit it, you lot. That is precisely what you're worried about, isn't it? And for good reason.

I can do no better than recall the report filed by Marshal Ferdinand Foch, just before the Battle of the Marne in the First World War, and hope my mate Ricky Ponting is reading: "My centre is yielding, hard pressed on my right. Situation excellent. I am attacking."

Ms Collegians 2025

Austrians

The Mayor of a small Austrian town has called on British tourists to stop stealing its road signs.
Siegfried Hauppl, mayor of Fucking, says vistors come from nearby Salzburg to pose for pictures and, sometimes, to take signs home as souvenirs. "We had a vote last year on whether to rename the town, but decided to keep it as it is," says Siegfried.
"After all, Fucking has existed for 800 years. We don't give it a second thought."

Yorkshire

The Departmental Guide in the Lift at the Leeds Branch of Harvey Nichols
1st Floor: Whippets and Hairnets
2nd Floor: Oxo Cubes and Remedial Stockings
3rd Floor: Braces, Gannex Macs and Flat Caps
4th Floor: Polly Peck Tights, Tootal Co-Ordinates and Racing Pigeons.

The Five Most Popular Courses Studied at the University of Real Life, Leeds
1) Spotting a Wrong 'Un
2) How Many Beans Make Five
3) Nowt's for Nowt
4) Speaking as Ye Find
5) Calling a Spade a Spade.

The Welsh

Four Special Welcomes in the Hillsides
1) Half a glass of water
2) A Bible reading followed by bread and leeks
3) An hour and a half arm-wrestling with Ezekiel
4) A second chance to hear our Myfanwy on the harp.

Five Essential Items Available in a Luxury Welsh Country House Hotel
1) Pillows sewn into mattress to prevent removal
2) Clothes hangers stapled to the wardrobe rail
3) Electronic tags on towels and loose fittings
4) Hot-water cut-off point three inches from base of bath
5) Shawled women ghosting around tea-lounge rattling collecting tins for disaster fund.

Seven Recommended Ways to Break the Ice with a Welshman
1) Ask if it's Wales with or without an "h" that he's going on about
2) Call him Taffy
3) Challenge him to name just one famous Welsh philosopher
4) Tell him you find his verse perfectly pleasant, if a little Welsh
5) Point out he must feel awfully lucky to be within such easy reach of Birmingham
6) Ask him if Wales has any culture to speak of, apart from Tom Jones's undoubted success in Las Vegas.

The Irish

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar.
The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional. They became maudlin for the 'olde sod'.
"Ahhh," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a wee bar called "MacTavish's". Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, "The Red Lion", the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy your first two."

"Ahhh, that's nothin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin, there's "Ryan's Bar". Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another; all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. But, the Irishman swears every word is true. "Well," said the Englishman "did this actually happen to you?"
"Well not me myself personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister."

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube, and Mick came on the bus!

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whisky. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink. He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!" Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?" Paddy replies "I don't know! Its your f**king plane!"

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!" He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts. "I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!". Murphy watches in amazement! The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. "Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman. "I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on"

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know what I want, don't you ?" "Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole feckin' bed by the looks of it!"

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off. He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do ?" Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. "Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!" Paddy says "What's his name?" Mick replies "Miles, from London !"

2012 Olympics

For those of you who remember French Nuclear Testing at Mururoa, the Rainbow Warrior and the pressure brought to bear on NZ to let the murdering scumbags go home for their medals, that was all down to Jacques Chirac. So I am delighted by recent events; Jacques publicity urges France to stop drugs coming in by closing the border between France and the Netherlands, thereby enraging the Dutch firstly by suggesting that French drug-taking is a Dutch problem and secondly for failing to realise that there isn't a border between the two countries, and managing to enrage the Belgians who do have a border with France but resent being thought of as Dutch; Jacques' support for French rural bludgers at the expense of all un-subsidised agriculture world-wide took a serious dive when the Francophone nations together with our own Don MacKinnon ganged up to oppose it; Jacques' little jokes to Schr�der and Putin in a cafe about inedible and nasty English cooking was overhead and reported worldwide, embarrassing enough for tenuous Anglo-French relations as it is, and despite food at the lower-levels in England being absolutely abominable, at the level that Chirac gets to eat, England has far more Michelin-starred restaurants than France; and to be known for washing down excellent English lobster with cheapo lager isn't all that conducive to his gallic gastronomic pretensions. And I am even more delighted today by the news that Paris lost the 2012 Olympics to London, a feat I'm sure his fellow countrymen will completely blame on him. So, up yours, Jacques. God knows I've left enough messages at French embassies over the years suggesting you're not quite up to the job, or any job, as I recall. So, we may yet see Chirac cooking burgers at a McDonalds in Auckland.
The picture below was sent out about 15 minutes after the 2012 Olympics announcement.

The Lions & Clive Woodward
July 2005

Being Straylan

This came via one degree of separation from a young female Adelaidean now living in England who I first met when I worked in Adelaide who sent it to a mate of mine living in London who I first met through the guy he lived next door to who is the father of a Collegians' player.
I don't agree with all of it, but some of these remind me of Australia. Items (13) and (14) are plainly ridiculous as England doesn't have clothes-lines. I have no idea who Ray Martin is. I had wondered why some of the younger English say 'flamin' drongo' to me so I had presumed, since subsequently confirmed, that it had something to do with the Home & Away television programme, which is apparently a popular thing to watch of an evening in England. I have no idea what a 'toilet dolly' is. And I've not worn 'ugg' boots since the first time they were popular along with checked flannel shirts.
It's typical of Australians who live away from Australia for a month or two and start to miss home. Item (5) below has to be dedicated to Edward Suttell.

At last, a yardstick by which you can measure an "Australian" For those of you who haven't met an Australian and are not sure what one is REALLY like!

Dedicated to Andrew

Rules of Cricket

1. There are two teams. One out, one in.
2. The team that's out try to get the player that's in, out.
3. When they do get him out, he goes in.
4. Then the next player goes out. As long as he's out, he's in.
5. The object is then for the team that's out to get the second player out. When they get him out, he goes in.
6. This process is repeated for each innings until the team that's out gets the team that's in all out.
7. When the whole team is out, the team that was in goes out, and the team that was out goes in.
8. Then they play a second innings until they're all out.
Except one player. He remains not out.

Portuguese

The French
and The Complete American Military History of France

1:Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at the game, and your pies are getting wet, then for the eating period only is it permissible.
2: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game"
e. When she is using her teeth.
3: Any man who brings a camera on tour or to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to quaff a fruity alco-pop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel....and it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside) or play the game or demonstrate the ability to drink as much as the other sports-watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a.Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever .

Here's a little Christmas cheer for all from the Australian Bureau of Statistics:

We have quite a few in the Club, lurking about, on Committees and doing things and playing Rugby. And I'm putting my life at risk here, but I, at least, think it's funny.

Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
* Witness: "July 15th."
* Lawyer: "What year?"
* Witness: "Every year."

Exchange between a 19th century American lawyer and a expert medical witness for the prosecution:
*Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
* Witness: No.
* Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?
* Witness: No.
* Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
* Witness: No.
* Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
* Witness: No.
* Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
* Witness: Because his brain was sitting in a jar on my desk.
* Lawyer: But could the patient have still been alive, nonetheless?
* Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

"* Lawyer: 'Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest person'
* Witness: 'Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment.'"

They didn't have a chance did they? This is soccer I'm talking about by the way. After leading against France all through the 90 minutes, France scores two goals in injury time to win the game. Thus the joke 'Why do French women prefer English men? Because they can stay on top for 90 minutes and still come second'.
I'm staying in an English household so I'm trying not to be too sympathetic because I'm supporting Portugal to win. Why? Well, I like the Portuguese and the way they can play given some confidence and it would be good for a host nation to win; not that I've much interest or understanding in the game you realise.
So Portugal play England. Portugal won. Yes, there was a disputed goal but Portugal were all over the English and had them permanently on the defensive. It came to a penalty shoot-out to decide the winner. You might as well toss a coin I argue, but then what do I know about the game? David Beckham is England's best penalty kicker - he can bend the ball like, well, like Beckham, or so we're given to understand. Beckham takes first kick, it goes over the top of the post (no, not a score in soccer ... yes, maybe it should be ... nevertheless...) and ultimately the Portuguese have their goalie take the last penalty kick to, as I understand the Portuguese, help the English understand who are the real men here. Beckham subsequently takes a pasting from the English fans, media, politicians, priests, pre-schoolers.
So ... Jonny Wilkinson dredges up a few memories of past but recent glories - hence the photograph below showing Jonny & Becks together.

Since the loss ... there's not been as much interest in UEFA here anymore. Greece defeated the Czechs. Greece play Portugal in the Final on Sunday.
Go you Portuguese!

One chariot, (low-swinging, sweet type),in urgent need of repair (wheels have come off again). One careless owner, details from Clive, Tel.Twickenham 20-14.

100,000 Grand Slam t-shirts, ties & scarves - unused (choice of 1998/99, 1999/2000, 2000/2001and 2003/2004 )
Contact : RFU, Twickenham.

LOST (on way to Twickenham)
(i) Plan B (ii) Graciousness (iii) Bottle.
Please contact : L. Dallaglio, C. Woodward.

49,000 spectators watched helplessly yesterday as 15 sportsmen choked in front of them, apparently after being force-fed a large slice of humble pie. A doctor attending the scene said that the men had a medical history of this sort of thing: apparently it also happened in 2000 in Edinburgh, Wembley in 1999 and Landsdowne in 2001.

A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing an England Rugby jersey and is festooned with England pom-poms.
The bartender says, "Hey! No pets are allowed! You'll have to leave." The guy begs him, "Look, I'm desperate! We're both big fans, the TV's broken at home, and this is the only place around where we can see the game."

After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game. The big game begins with the poms receiving the kickoff.
They march down field, get stopped at the 22, and kick a penalty goal.
Suddenly, the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone. The bartender says, "Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've seen! What does the dog do if they score a try?"
The owner replies, "I don't know, I've only had him for three years."

Wiremu, a New Zealander, landed at Heathrow to watch the All Blacks and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I don't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu. The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had prostate problems, and that the only cure was an immediate testicular removal. "No way doc, I'm here for the rugby" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second English doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated but, with only hours to go before the All Blacks opening game he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said "Wiremu, you huv prostate suckness ey". "What's the cure thin doc ey?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls." "Phew, thunk gud for thut! " said Wiremu, "those Pommy bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

Note that its a guide for Victorians!

Rugby World Cup - Rough Guide for Victorians

20 teams will be competing for the title of "World Champions". This is a bit like being AFL champions, except it allows teams from outside Queensland to win. Each of the 20 teams represents a different country, which is a lot different to AFL. However don't let this confuse you. Most of the teams are very similar to one of the AFL teams, and they even have club songs (called "national anthems").

When you're tipping just think of the corresponding AFL club and you can't go wrong. Well, not much anyway.

New Zealand = Collingwood. Appear to be top notch, and think it's their destiny to win - but rarely do, much to everyone's delight.
England = Port Adelaide - Chokers
Australia = Brisbane. Always seem to win the games that matter - somehow.
France = Sydney - Underestimated
South Africa = Essendon. Not as good as they used to be.
Ireland = St Kilda. Sentimental favourites but never do much.
Wales = Hawthorn. Were good once - A long time ago
Scotland = Geelong - Skirt wearers and too inconsistent to threaten.
Argentina = Fremantle. Better than they used to be, but not there yet.
Italy = Richmond. Long haired pretty boys
Samoa = Melbourne. Mystery men
Fiji = West Coast. Entertainers...and that's all.
Canada = Western Bulldogs. Love a scrap.
USA = Adelaide. Everyone wants to beat them.
Georgia = Kangaroos. No supporters.
Tonga = Carlton mark I - enough said.
Namibia = Carlton mark II
Uruguay = Carlton mark III
Japan = Carlton mark IV
Romania = Carlton mark V

And an e-mail from a reader in Holland ... which goes to show how loved we all are by those from all parts of this world

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the American.

He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it. The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to Australia to see if Australians had the same phone.

He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, son - it's a local call".

The Blonde

She's hot .... download the blonde ... a 1Mb file - right click on the image, then save it

NEWS FLASH!!
Saddam Hussein has appeared on Iraqi TV this morning to quell rumours of his death in an explosion in Baghdad yesterday. To prove that the appearance was not pre-recorded, Saddam stated that he "watched the rugby on Saturday and the Wallabies were crap." UK and US government officials have dismissed the report saying it could have happened any time over the last 12 months.

Forwards & Backs
Contributed by Sean Smith ... 24th May 2003

Front Row - Without a doubt the manliest men on the pitch. Large, often hairy, beer swilling carnivores that can and will smash anything in their path. Revelling in the violence inherent in the scrum, they are rarely considered "nice" people, and in fact to some they aren't even considered human at all. This attitude is tolerated by front rowers far and wide because they recognize their role at the top of the food chain and are used to suffering the fools that surround them. Accused by some of simply being dumb, I prefer to think of this group as "open to unconventional ways of thinking".
Locks - Slightly below the front row on the food chain. As with front row players it is inadvisable to put an appendage, you wish to keep near this group's mouth when they are in the feeding mode. This group of large, often foul smelling brutes is also more than willing to relish the finer points of stomping on a fallen opponent's body and will gleefully recount the tale ad infinitum. While they tend to take the tag "Powerhouse of the Scrum" a little too seriously, they can be useful if inured with the proper hatred of their fellow man. While members of this proud fraternity like to think of themselves as "open to unconventional ways of thinking" they are usually just dumb.
Back Row #'s 6, 7 & 8 - These are fine fit fellows who, like a bunch of hermaphrodites, are confused as to what their role in life should be. While they know they are undeniably linked to the forwards, there are those among them who long for the perfect hair and long flowing gowns that come with being a back. Some relish the forward role and will do anything to win the ball and there are others within this group that will break the prime directive of the forward and do anything to prance foolishly with the ball. Generally, these guys are not all bad, but I, personally, have to wonder about any forward who brings a hairbrush and a change of clothes to a game.
Scrum Half - Some like to think of this back as an honorary forward. I myself tend to think of the #9 as half a fag. While this position is almost always filled by the toughest back, this idea is almost laughable kind of like the hottest ugly chick. The scrum half's presence is tolerated by the forwards because they know that he will spin the ball to the rest of the girls in the backline who will inevitably knock the ball on and allow them the pleasure of another scrum. The #9 can take pride in the fact that he is the lowest numbered back and that as such he can be considered almost worthwhile.
Fly Half - Primary role is the leader of the backs - a dubious honour at best. Main responsibilities as far as I can tell is ability to throw the ball over people's heads and to provide something soft for opposing back rowers to land on. Expected to direct the prancing of the rest of the backline - the fly half, like any good Broadway choreographer, is usually gay. While some may argue that these girls must be protected, I find it hard to support anyone whose foot touches a rugby ball on purpose.
Centres - Usually come in two varieties - hard charger or flitting fairy. The hard charger is the one to acquire as he will announce his presence in a game with the authority rarely found above #8. The flitting fairy is regrettably more common and will usually attempt to avoid contact at all costs. The flitting fairy is also only one good smack away from bursting into tears and leaving the pitch to cry on the shoulder of his inevitable girlfriend. Both types will have extensive collections of hair care products in their kit bags and will be among the best dressed at the post game festivities.
Back Three - While some people refer to this group as 2 wingers and a fullback, I swear to God I can't make out any difference between them. They are all homos if you ask me. How these three guys can play 80 minutes of RUGBY and stay clean and sweat free is beyond me. I know for a fact that their jerseys sometimes go back in the bag cleaner than when they came out. These ladies are fond of sayings like "Speed Kills" and "Wheels Win", how cute. These guys will be easy to spot after the game because they are the finely coifed, sweater wearing', wine sipping', sweet talking' homos in the corner avoiding the beer swilling at the bar. On the whole, I really don't mind this group because in the end, they sure are "purty" to look at. In Short: The lower the number - the better the man.
... Author unknown

A zealous traffic warden has been sent for "retraining" after putting a ticket on a bus as it picked up passengers at a bus stop. Chris O'Mahoney, the driver of a No. 77 in Manchester, thought it was a practical joke when the warden, pen in hand, emerged from the queue and booked him. "He told me the bus had been booked because it had parked in a restricted area, " Mr O'Mahoney, 27, said last week. "I said, 'Restricted to who?' and he said, 'Buses'."
The Weekly Telegraph, Issue no 606, 5-11 March 2003

"We had nicknames like Scarface and Toothless and those were just the cheerleaders." Frank Layden, former coach of the Utah Jazz, in response to a reporter's question as to how tough his high school in Brooklyn was.
Peter Fitzsimons, SMH, February 2003

"This is one of those stories TFF has not checked, on the very reasonable grounds that I really WANT it to be true, and am petrified a single phone call to some-one who'd know might ruin it for everybody if it proved to be nonsense ... Ahem. I am reliably told the Waratahs have all been issued with heart-rate monitors similar to a watch which, after exercise, can download data into a computer to measure resting heart rates, heart rates during exercise, rate of recovery, etc.
In addition to the scheduled team training, each player must do a session by themselves each day with the monitor on when their heart rate goes over a certain level.
One day last week, after one player handed in his monitor and the info was downloaded, the medical staff suddenly became seriously alarmed. They urgently called the player - who may or may not have recently converted from rugby league, TFF is not saying, not, not, NOT ? and asked if he had done his additional training.
"Yes ... " he replied, looking perhaps a little strained - "What did you do?" they asked. "A big sprint session down at my local park �"
On and on the questioning went - until the player asked what the problem was. The problem was the monitor was showing a report of 300 beats per minute - at which rate the human body long ago blew up.
It turns out the player had strapped the monitor onto his rottweiler and made it chase balls for the session ..."

With thanks from Peter Fitzsimons, TFF, The Sydney Morning Herald, February 2003

Johnny Wilkinson goes into the England changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum. "What's up?" he asks. "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but we've just beaten the All Blacks and Australia in consecutive weeks and let's be honest it's only South Africa. They're
shite and we can't be bothered".

Johnny looks at them and says "Well, the way I've been playing recently, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub." So Johnny goes out to play South Africa by himself and the rest of the England team go off for a few jars.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the telly on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "England 7 - South Africa 0 (Wilkinson - 10 minutes - Converted Try)".
He is beating South Africa all by himself!

Anyway, the telly goes off and a few more pints later the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how Johnny got on".

They put the telly back on.
"Result from the Stadium: England 7 (Wilkinson 10 minutes) - South Africa 7 (Paulse 79 minutes)".

They can't believe it, Johnny has single handedly got a draw against South Africa and maintained England's unbeaten run at home!!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, seated with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down." says Johnny.

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against South Africa, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!" says the rest of the team. "No, No, I have" says Wilkinson, "I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

"What do you say to a Kiwi bloke with a be-yooooood-i-ful woman on his arm?
Answer: 'Hey, nice tattoo'."
From TFF, Peter FitzSimons, Sydney Morning Herald, October 26-27 2002
And he says that's no disrespect to " .. you many beautiful Kiwi women ... it's the Kiwi men I am keen to gratuitously offend."

How do Kiwis practice safe sex? They paint an X on the back of the sheep that kick.

Nick Walsh and Andrew Emmanuel have bought a car which looks from a distance like it might be, or may have been, an XD Falcon. On the belief that Australia is a perpetually sunny country and sunshine is something they both want a lot of they turned the sedan into a convertible by the judicious use of an angle grinder. At the time I saw the car the weather was unpleasant enough to discourage any close inspection of the conversion.

AUCKLAND, Tuesday:

Following the successful disbanding of the armed forces the Prime Minister of New Zealand, Helen Clark, has unveiled a new bold plan to totally disband the entire nation.

In a statement to the world's press Prime Minister Clarke unveiled her "Great step nowhere" plan. Launching the plan Clark suggested that reports that their armed forces had been forced to say "bang, bang" during war exercises had been the final nail in the coffin for the once-almost-proud nation. "For years now we've been doing nothing of value. All our really profitable industries have gone overseas. Music, kiwi fruit, Russell Crowe. After that it's basically just a bunch of sheep and a once proud rugby team. Even the Cricketers are poor by world standards" Clark said.

Clark went on to outline the timetable for disbanding the nation following the sale of the Navy's two dinghies and after the Army gives its shotgun back to the British. In a sometimes emotional presentation, Ms Clarke outlined the difficulties facing the former country. "Every nation has it's problems but, as the leader, you can always look at some other loser nation and say "They're worse off than us". We finally realised that we could no longer do that." The final nail in the coffin came last Monday when the New Zealand treasury tabled a report that found that Adam Gilchrist's new contract with the Australian Cricket Board had him earning more than the entire New Zealand GDP. "When that hit us we realised that the ship of state was pretty much Gunwale deep in sediment and it was time to turn off the bilge pumps and move to a real country," a treasury spokesman said.

All industry and businesses are expected to have left the Islands by the end of June and all Government responsibilities will cease at the first of July. Any farmers wishing to remain will do so on a purely subsistence basis with the possibility of a feudal system developing by the end of September. The All Blacks will maintain a training facility near Otago until the end of August after which time New Zealand in all it's forms and pursuits will cease to exist. When asked how the loss of the entire nation of New Zealand will affect the region a world bank spokesman called for an atlas.

New Zealanders wanting to buy government-subsidised condoms have a problem: there are not enough small ones. "Literally, one size does not fit all," said Dr Peter Moodie, medical director for Pharmac, the government agency which manages New Zealand's pharmaceuticai subsidies schedule.

He said Pharmac would call for proposals from pharmaceutical companies about the range of condoms they could supply. This followed consultations with sexual health practitioners who criticispd the tendering process because only "standard condoms" ended up being available. "We want to offer the maximum choice" Dr Moodie said yesterday. Condoms are available in supermarkets but health-card holders can save by buying in bulk on prescription. Around 7.6 million condoms are prescribed in New Zealand at an annual cost of $1.2 million under the subsidy scheme. Condom choice has been limited to three sizes but this was "the minimum acceptable" and did not necessarily meet consumer demand, Pharmac said.

It's one of those stories from many years ago which has just come to light. The last time the Pope was in Australia he found himself contemplating the beauty of a river deep in the wilds of the Northern Territory when a sudden commotion on the far shore attracted his attention.
There, in the jaws of a massive crocodile was a man wearing an All Black jersey, desperately struggling to get free. On the instant, three blokes wearing Wallaby jerseys roared into view on a speedboat.
The first bloke fired a harpoon into the croc's ribs, while the other two reached and pulled the Kiwi from the river and, using long clubs, beat the croc to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead croc and then prepared for a hasty retreat.
What the ... ? There was a bloke wearing a small white beanie, summoning them to the shore. Curious, they hove to, and the fellow said in this thick accent: I give you my best Papal blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there is a racist xenophobic divide between Australia and New Zealand but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true. I can see that your societies are true examples of racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow." With which, he blessed them and drove off in a cloud of dust.
As he departed the harpoonist turned to the other Aussies and asked: "Who the bloody hell was that?" "That", one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom." "Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows f --- all about croc hunting! Now, will this bait still do, or do we need to get another one?"

The best of 2001 - Part 3
Date: 05/01/2002 SMH
The FitzFiles by Peter FitzSimons

Best Pommy putdown
After the First Test against the Lions in Brisbane in July, Australians the world over were doing it tough - and nowhere worse than in Britain. The wretched Poms, fired up as never before, were taunting our people, boasting about their own sporting supremacy, and carrying on like PORK CHOPS! At the time, I at least took solace from a story sent in by Tim Kelly, an expat Aussie living in England
...
"On the way to Wimbledon on Saturday, I stepped into a pub just near Southfields tube station to watch the rugby. I consider myself a patriotic Australian, but watching rugby in England amongst a sea of red, it's sometimes better to be diplomatically silent. However, a group of Aussies had already camped themselves in a corner and were gearing up for a bit of banter. I could hear a conversation between two Aussies, one of them obviously Victorian. He couldn't fathom the Lions team at all.
'The team is made up of the best players from Ireland, England, Wales and Scotland,' his mate told him.
'So it's an All Star team then?'
'Not really.'
'But four countries, five countries if you count Northern Ireland as a separate country, against one. Is that fair?'
His mate looked at me for help. I told him about the tradition of the Lions and the enormous interest they create. As the game progressed, and the Aussie corner became more and more invisible, the Victorian spoke up again. 'If they're so good, how did we become the world champions?' 'They can't play in the World Cup,' came the reply.
'So, in the scheme of things, this means absolutely nothing.'
His mate looked like the straight man in a comedy duo. As the English became more and more rowdy, the Victorian became more and more patriotic. One Englishmen threw a comment his way: 'You're getting killed, you dirty Aussie bastards!'
The Victorian launched into him.
'Five countries versus one. A country of 20 million, where only two states play the game. Even those two states divide the best players into rugby league and rugby union. What the f--- are you proud of?'
I took my leave ..."

And my personal favourite ...
In 1978, the Wallabies were about to play the All Blacks at Eden Park. On the morning of the match, stand-in manager Ross Turnbull talked to the team, then asked the backs to leave him with the forwards. It was just Turnbull with the pigs.
"Look," he said, waving an airy hand at the just-departed backs, "these Phantom comic swappers and Mintie eaters, these blond-headed flyweights are one thing, and we will need them after the hard work's done. But the real stuff's got to be done right here by you blokes." The Wallabies went on to a famous win, and that story, recounted by one of the forwards in the room, Chris Handy, has always been the best exposition of the difference between backs and forwards. Until this year ... In May, Paul Jurdeczka emailed me a spoof invented by the lads from the Thirsty Third Grade of the Macquarie University Beacons.
It is based on the courtroom scene in A Few Good Men, in which Colonel Jessup, played by Jack Nicholson, gives his thundering oration from the dock to Lieutenant Kaffee (Tom Cruise), justifying marine atrocities. Now, though, it is a prop giving a namby-pamby winger the rounds of the kitchen. And though I haven't been able to resist touching up the original Beacons version, here it is:
"Son, in this world there are scrums, and those scrums have to be manned by men called props. Who's gonna do it? You? As a prop, I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. We use words like 'loose-head', 'blind side' and 'scrum pox'; we use those words as the backbone of a life spent defending something - you use them as a punchline.
"You weep for your wingers and centres, and you curse the prop. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that the front row, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, wins these games you play. Truth?
You can't handle the truth, because deep down in places you don't talk about in your wingers ballet classes, you want me in that scrum; you need me in that scrum.
"I neither have the time nor inclination to explain myself to a sissy back who manages to score on and off the field under the very blanket of ball retention that I provide, and then QUESTIONS the manner in which I provide it.
"I would rather you just bought me a beer and a pie with sauce and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you crawl into that scrum and get dirty. Either way, I don't give a damn!!!!"

pfitzsimons@smh.com.au

For those who remember Tommy Cooper these are a reminder .....
Tommy Cooper at his best. Some oldies but still funny.
For those who don't remember Tommy Cooper - he died in the middle of a stand-up routine of a heart attack which the audience took to be part of his act and applauded. It would've been the way he'd want to go.

Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

What's brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

So I went to the dentist. The dentist said say "Aahh".
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'"

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said, 'It depends where you're calling from.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree and a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

I went out driving to do some shopping and parked my car.
Someone left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
"So that was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time " The man replied "I know I've been ill"

A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said "well don't go there any more"

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other day when we both got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it. So we decided we'd take the next exit, but it was a turn-off.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

Bloke goes to the doctors with a lettuce leaf sticking out of his arse.
Doctor says "hmmmm that's strange"
Bloke replies "that's just the tip of the iceberg"

Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a-salted

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says "Pint please, and one for the road."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "no, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's... um...well... I have five penises." replies the man " Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an ice-cream' He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.'

He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'

'Do you think I was funny?' said Tommy.
'Yes Tommy,' said the Queen.
'You really thought I was funny?', said Tommy.
'Yes of course I thought you were funny' said the Queen.
'Did your Mother think I was funny?' said Tommy.
'Yes, Tommy...' said the Queen, '...we both thought you were funny.'
'Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?' said Tommy.
'No, ..." said the Queen, '....but I might not be able to give you a full answer.'
'Do you like football?' said Tommy.
'Well not really ' said the Queen.'
'In that case, ...' said Tommy, '....do you mind if I have your Cup Final Tickets?'

In Japan, haiku poetry is of only 17 syllables: five in the first line, seven in the second, five in the third.
However, in English this provides far too many syllables which makes it far too easy to write Haiku. It should be 3-5-3 in English. However, in 'traditional' Haiku:

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
The ball is not there.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
They scored a try

It should be remembered that it's also not so easy writing it in English either. For instance the quintessence of unspoken mutual understanding is to be found in the word yoroshiku: 'You have understood what I want you to do. I have understood that you have understood what I want you to do. Therefore I leave it up to you to finish the task and I expect it to be done in the way I want it to be done. And I thank you for understanding me and agreeing to take the trouble to do the task.' All this in four syllables.
(this latter quote from The Bluffer's Guide to Haiku)

June 2001:
"Why is it that everyone laughs when someone passes the ball to the big guy, you know, the one who only ever runs 5 metres? Just the same as the belief that water cures everything - from broken bones to reconstructive surgery. Just spray some more water on, that'll fix it. One of life's mysteries."

March 2007:
Peter James is a technophobe and his mobile phone had filled up. Denzil had to show him how to delete all the pictures off his mobile phone of photographs of the inside of his left pocket.

And from the 2003 RWC: Ollie Porter drinking in the Earl, his own pub, goes outside for a smoke. But the bouncers wouldn�t let him back in again because they reckoned he�d had too many and the place was full. But I own the place says Ollie. Sure you do say the bouncers.

Heard in May 2003 but relating to a time in the 1980s:
Collegians' were playing St Ignatius and as Ignatius lacked the numbers Harry Clark offered to play for them. Harry was playing on the wing and had the ball at Ignatius' 25 metre line with not a single Collegians' player between him and the Collegians' try-line. It was a magic run, pounding down the pitch with no players on either side to concern him, he's within a few metres of scoring when the referee, Jesse James, takes him from the side just below the hips and grounds him. Jesse manages to land on his feet from the tackle, grabs his whistle, up goes the arm, and there's a penalty against Harry for not releasing the ball.

September 2002:
Ray Butler "It's not a kimono, it's a silk dressing gown". Ray had been living with Hamish - Denzil woke him up to get to the matches on the 7th of September and was confronted by an apparition in silk.

November 2001:

Collegians' Committee Member at the club on Thursday night said something along the lines of - "I was looking at our website last night and came across a page with an aerial view of the club but I just can't seem to find it again" .... The aerial view of the clubhouse for those who recently landed from the planet zog is the front page of this very website. The "our website" could then have been none other than rugbynet.

Had it been anyone else less gormless or with an identifiable sense of humour I'd have thought there was a bit of winding-up going on. But I suspect not. Brought to you by the same moron who told Jesse it was his fault the juniors did so badly for letting the current junior coordinators take it over. No prizes for guessing who the current coordinators are.

April 2001:
Hamish on training night the 19th of April - just prior to Esme's wedding: Here am I, a Level 2 coach, and the excuse I get for so few of the women turning up is that they're too busy training their hairstyles. Oh how low I've fallen in the world ... etc. etc.

March 2001:
One of our women players: "I asked do I look fat in this skirt and he told me no it's all that food you keep stuffing in your face that makes you look fat."

Late February 2001:
A life member and juniors' identity - to Paul Horne - You know the website is ok, but I do wish you'd make those pictures bigger ....
(If any of you missed that one I can't help you)

Friday 29th November 2002: Joyce Spry "I'm glad I've got a tail to hang on to".|
Regarding the prawn bar snacks

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh
day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.
"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot.
"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries.
"And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a hot spot. Can you see the balance?"
"Yes," said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a large land mass and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Australia, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rain forests, rivers, stream and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable cricket and rugby players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then said, "You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the ugly, whining, sheep-shagging, Kiwi bastards I'm putting next to them."

We love you, Sponsors! Oh, yes we do!
We don’t love anyone as much as you.
You support us, and give money too,
There’d be no rugby without you.
.... very bad poetry by Kim Evans

Cinema bans sleeping baby from film for over-12s
By Richard Savill
Electronic Telegraph 9th April 2001

THE parents of a five-week-old baby were asked to leave a cinema because the infant was too young to see a 12-certificate film.
Andrew and Sylvie Gow protested that their daughter, Catriona, was sleeping and therefore could not have been adversely affected by the soundtrack of the sub-titled film Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. However, staff at Theatr Mwldan in Cardigan, West Wales, who gave the couple a refund, said they were merely obeying the law.

"We were just settling in to our seats when we were asked to leave because of Catriona," said Mrs Gow, 36, who runs a tourist company in Cardigan. I pointed out that she was fast asleep but they said she was too young. Catriona is barely able to focus on my face let alone see a cinema screen.

"She is not going to go home and start giving her older brothers and sister karate chops. And it is not as if she could be affected by the soundtrack - the film has subtitles." The couple had a baby-sitter for their other three children but they said they felt that Catriona was too young to be left on her own.

Mrs Gow said: "If she was older I could understand, but to prevent a five-week-old baby from sleeping through a 12-certificate film is ridiculous." Dilwyn Davies, the director of Theatr Mwldan, said his staff had no option but to ask the couple to leave.

He said: "The law is quite clear. No person under the age of 12 can be admitted to a 12-certificate film."

Glossary of Rugby Terms
(from Bluff Your Way in Rugby, Christopher C Rae, Ravette Books, 1992 �)

Open Play - part of the game when everyone else runs around
Foul Play - what the other side do. If your side do it, it’s called ‘using your initiative’.
Dummy - the person persuaded to replace the hooker when he is injured. Also the art of pretending to pass the ball while still retaining it - one of the few times you will be tackled by a flanker without winning a penalty for being tackled late.
Possession - when your team has the ball. Can happen three or four times a game.
Ruck - informal, impromptu get-together for forwards and a few close friends.
Mark - if you can cleanly catch a bal kicked several hundred feet in the air within your own 22 metre line and call ‘mark’ while the entire other side is pounding towards you intent on doing you damage, you can have a free kick. You deserve it.
Offside - a natural break in the play called by the referee every 35 seconds to let everyone get their breath back.
Blind side - the art of being on the side of the pitch where nothing is happening.
Side Step - a move to get out of the way of an opponent running towards you with the ball.

Collegians' can be well-travelled people. Those who haven't no doubt will. Those of us who have need to remember that one's photos may not be of universal interest.

Humour

The Germans

Mills & Boon whisper sweet nothings in cauliflower ears

New anti-terrorism laws: Aussie Citizenship Test A new test from the government to distinguish the real from the fake.

The English Tributes left for a dead chicken

Coopers September 2005

Flintoff the fair dinkum Aussie hero By Peter FitzSimons (Filed: 30/08/2005) Courtesy the UK Daily Telegraph